So I’m not much of a reader (it’s all those letters and words that confuse me so…) but Rachel lent me a wonderful book. She said I would like it and boy, is she right. “Prayer and the Art of Volkswagen Maintenance” by Donald Miller. See, you can tell just by the title that I would dig it. It’s about two guys who decide to take a road trip from Texas to Oregon with one goal in mind – to get there before they run out of money. But for the author, Don, it is also somewhat about finding the God he grew up learning about. He’s got all the knowledge but still feels like something is missing. He’s just an average guy, 21 years young, writing about his take on things. And I relate big time. He makes several great observations about Christians and the church nowadays and it is comforting to know that I am not the only one feeling the frustration. I’ll spare you the details of those frustrations for now. Anyway, it’s a great book. I may read it twice before giving it back.
In other news, I have been feeling a lot lately like I need a bigger purpose in life. This may or may not be related to the waxing and waning desire to be a mother. I just feel like I have become too content to go through the motions. Am I making any kind of positive impact on the people around me? Am I being the [wife, friend, daughter, sister] that I should be? Every time I ask myself this question and start feeling guilty about it I remember my dear stepmom’s advice: “Don’t should on yourself.” I always thought it sounded funny back then, but I think she was on to something. Christ conquered death so that we wouldn’t have to walk through life wallowing in guilt. We can learn from our failures and move on. We are God’s WIP: Works in Progress. That’s hard for me to accept because I seem to expect perfection from myself, although I doubt that’s what God expects from me. In fact, I know that’s not what he expects. I think he just wants honesty and humility and for me to give him more of my attention.
Speaking of that, I realize that I have a habit to forget about my relationships. However it happens, I don’t know. Time just seems to pass and I continue in my routine until I realize I have not taken any action to cultivate those relationships. It is the same with God as it is with my family and friends. I have spoken to people who do not have this problem. If they don’t see their friends often enough, they start to miss them. They remember the good times they’ve shared and they long for more of that. Where does that come from? Why don’t I have that longing? It’s not that I don’t sincerely love my friends and family. I do. And when I do see them again, I remember that I love spending time with them and ask myself how I could possibly forget that and I kick myself for not spending more time with them. But then I go home and back into the vicious cycle I go. I would love to just fix this, but I don’t even know where to start. Does anyone have any answers?
