I’ve been trying to keep the blog lighthearted but it’s hard to do when you’re not. I’ve just been a bit off. I think the stress of ttc (trying to conceive) is really getting to me. I don’t expect anyone to understand it unless you’ve been through it yourself, but I’m going to talk about it anyway. I’ll start off by giving you a key to some of the abbreviations commonly used in the online infertility community.
2WW Two-week wait
AF Aunt Flo (your period)
BBT Basal body temperature
BCP Birth control pills
BD Baby dance (sex)
BFN Big fat negative
BFP Big fat positive
CD Cycle day
DPO Days post-ovulation
ENDO Endometriosis
HPT Home pregnancy test
HSC Hysteroscopy
HSG Hysterolsalpinogram
IPS Imaginary pregnancy symptoms
IUI Intra-uterine insemination
LAP Laparoscopy
LMP Last menstrual period
OV Ovulation
OPK Ovulation predictor kit
PG Pregnant
PI Primary infertility
PMS Pre-menstrual syndrome
POAS Pee on a stick (my new favorite, just learned it yesterday)
RE Reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist)
SA Sperm analysis
TTC Trying to conceive
And now that you know the lingo, here’s the rest of my story.
The thing with TTC is that you are always waiting. You wait for OV so you can BD. Then there’s the 14 DPO where you wait to see if AF comes. That 2WW is nerve racking and a huge drain on your emotional health. The possibility that you could be PG never leaves your mind. Always wondering, “What if?” “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.” But you can’t know for sure, so you certainly can’t make any long term decisions. If AF comes you have your answer but you are devastated. Then the cycle begins all over again. If it doesn’t come, or you lack the patience that month to wait and see, you take a HPT. If it’s a BFN, it’s a let down but maybe you find some way to convince yourself that maybe it’s just too early to tell. If it’s a BFP, that’s great, but the odds of that happening after all this time are slim.
We have been TTC for almost 7 years, but it’s only the 2nd cycle since seeing the RE and I don’t know how many more cycles I can handle. I feel like I’m parked on the side of a road. It’s a road that ends into an intersection, and your only options are to turn left or right. I’m just waiting to see which way to turn. I left messages for the guy with the directions but haven’t heard back yet. Not only that, but I am watching other people come down this road and make their turns with apparent ease. I might not mind being parked here so much if I knew some others who were parked here with me.
I’m currently 14 DPO, right on the verge of knowing whether I need to brace myself for yet another cycle or if I’ll need to start shopping for fat clothes. In the CDs leading up to this one I typically experience IPS, on the look-out for any feeling that’s out of the ordinary. Then when AF comes I’m furious at myself for believing it could happen. This is certainly much harder than they made you believe in the high school sex ed. classes. You start out with a full supply of hope and with each cycle that supply depletes just a little. Certain things may add back a little bit of hope to that supply, but it never gets fully replenished.
The big question is, how long do you let yourself go through this torment? When do you give up and say that enough is enough? Even then for some the possiblity of getting PG can still be out there lingering. And you still feel stuck at that intersection. Do we plan our lives around the possibility of children, or do we go on as if they will never come? I know kids are not “everything” in life, but they are a pretty big something. I just don’t want to give up and start down some road that would take longer than 9 months to turn around on!
**Addition** Just read a friend’s blog and was reminded of this verse:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the Plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
What a great reminder. Thanks, Christie!
I wish I knew the right thing to say to encourage you. I won’t pretend to know what you are going through. Thank you for being open and real about what you are going through. I will try to understand and hope along side you.
Love Kathy
Keep at it, even though we know it is tough. I love your ‘code’ letter! Very funny and original. Keep us up to date, but keep providing the code. I’m just grateful they can do so much more than they used to. When Claudia and I tried to conceive, there weren’t as many options. Keep at it.
Love: Dad
[...] And for those on the edge of your seats from the last post, I’m still waiting for AF. I said that I was 14 DPO but I had been having short cycles, so I based that on a 26 day cycle. If my cycle is back to normal than I have a day or so more of waiting before I POAS (See previous post for abbreviation guide). My nerves are unbelievably stable right now so I bet some of you have been praying. If you have, thank you. You are super duper special to me. [...]
I’ll try to keep everyone posted. I’ve always said that if I do get pregnant I would wait awhile to tell everyone, but that might be tough to do since everyone knows we’re trying. And I would love to take credit for the codes but I didn’t come up with any of them, they’re all over the net in chat rooms and message boards. There are way more than what I mentioned; I just chose the ones I tend to use sometimes.
I haven’t been through all the obsticals that you have been through in the last 7 years, so I could never say that I know what your going through, but I have been through these same emotional rollercoasters when trying to concieve Shane. When I was reading your story, I was shaking my head to a lot of it!(and loving your key!!! Brilliant!!) I remember going through that same thing, not knowing, could I be?, what if, for 6 months, not knowing if we might have hidden obsticals. I finally just couldn’t take all the CONSTANT thinking about it, and decided to stop “trying” for awhile, 2 months later I got PG. All I can say is hang in there, and “try” to not STRESS about it. Believe me I know “easier said then done”, but you have to keep your hope, and hopefully some of your sanity. Know that you have all the love and support that you can handle, and you know my number if you ever need ANYTHING!
I love you babe!!
Rondi
Mindy, you expressed my life perfectly! Thank you for making me feel less alone in this isolating, incredibly stressful place in my life. The IPS are the best, aren’t they? Best of luck to you, I hope you get your dream.
Take care
Sara
God is well able to supply all your needs do not give up the faith