It has been a tad difficult for me to accept this pregnancy. I knew it was not just because the first trimester was so horrendous, but I couldn’t put my finger on what else was bothering me. Heather lent me a book that talks about infertility and she noticed that it touches on pregnancy and parenting after infertility. By the way, it’s a great book for those experiencing infertility. It helped me out a great deal when we were ttc and I highly recommend it to anyone struggling with infertility. It’s called When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden, by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer, M.D. Anyway, the part about pregnancy after infertility talks about the unexpected feelings that come. You imagine what that moment will be like, when the test turns up positive, and you imagine that you will be elated beyond belief. But then it happens and instead you feel fear and guilt. I’ve been feeling a lot of mixed emotions about being pregnant and I think the reason is that for so many years I was an “infertile woman”. It was such a big part of me and now that has all changed. I am having to take this time to accept my rewritten identity. I was beginning to feel some unnecessary guilt about my feelings so it helped to read about it and know I’m normal. It’s been an interesting process.
This has a lot to do with why I have been so hesitant to talk about the pregnancy on the blog. The shifting identity thing and also knowing that lots of people find this blog through my posts about infertility and not wanting them to be angry or sad to see a bunch of talk about pregnancy. But I can’t worry about that or feel guilty and I just have to pray that they can appreciate what I’ve been through and maybe draw some hope from my situation. So with that said, I’m going to talk about it now…
I am currently 13 weeks along. I’m still feeling the occasional nausea but the medicine helps with that. I’m eating and feeling good. I eat small portions every two hours or so, which I love, because I love eating. And for the most part it’s healthy, except when my attempts at healthy fall on the floor on their way out of the fridge, at which time I cannot be faulted for turning to oreos and milk for comfort and consoling. Apparently pregnancy brings clumsiness because I am dropping everything, but am most sad about losing the basket of strawberries because I was so looking forward to eating them atop a delicious stack of homemade pancakes.
I don’t think I’m really “showing” yet but I’m pretending I am. See, I’ve always had a pot belly and have been mistaken for pregnant numerous times because of it. I’ve always been slightly self-conscious about it, but not now. I can let it hang out, forget about sucking it in, because if someone sees it and thinks I’m pregnant, they would be right! I’m starting to wear some maternity clothes. My regular pants are getting tight so I put on my sister’s maternity pants this morning and wouldn’t you know it? They fit perfect. I’m not even showing yet and her maternity pants fit me. Oy. She always was the thin and pretty one
I’m going to have to do some shopping soon.