From Charles Marshall, a Christian comedian:
The beginning of the year is just the time for you to get your finances in order and take the necessary measures to secure your financial future. In the interest of helping you accomplish this task, I offer a few of my own financial tips that have served me well over the years.
1) Organize your bills. For most people, the subject of bills is unpleasant but it needn’t be anymore. Instead of ignoring them, I suggest you tackle financial responsibilities as I do by organizing your bills into three categories: Past Due, Way Past Due, and I’m Going to Have to Find Another Place to Live Next Month.
Congratulations! Your bills are now organized!
After completing this task you will no doubt experience a deep sense of accomplishment. Feel free to reward yourself by using your credit card to buy lots of expensive stuff that you really don’t need. You needn’t worry about the bills for these purchases because you now possess the financial expertise you need to handle them.
2) Build a relationship with your banker. This task will not be easily accomplished because bankers are strange, reclusive creatures that should be approached with great care.
In the banking culture, even showing your face could greatly offend your banker, so when introducing yourself to him, wear some type of facial covering such as a ski mask or nylon stocking.
You should also avoid verbally asking for money as this is viewed as uncouth and crass. Instead, write your request down and hand it to your banker. Be sure to phrase your request boldly in as simple wording as possible. A phrase such as “Give me all your money” is ideal.
When you follow these suggestions, I think you’ll find your banker will fall all over himself getting you the cash you requested, and you may safely assume your relationship with him is off to a great start.
3) Learn to budget. Creating a budget doesn’t have to be difficult or restricting.
Let’s say you want to take an expensive vacation but it isn’t in your budget. Does that mean you don’t get to take the trip? Absolutely not!
Additing such an item to your budget is simple. Just take a piece of paper and write the word “Budget” at the top and just below it write the words “One expensive vacation.”
Tah-dah! Now your dream vacation is in your budget! See how easy it is? Feel free to go ahead and call your travel agent right now.
4) Learn to save money. Saving money can be enjoyable and liberating. Suppose you have your eye on a nice, shiny BMW but you know you should be saving money instead. How does one save money when buying a luxury car?
Try this. Go test drive a Rolls Royce and decide to buy one. Next, come to your senses and realize you can’t afford a Rolls and go buy the more moderately priced $50,000 BMW instead. Wow! You’ve just saved about a hundred grand.
Using this very same savings plan, my wife and I saved over $9 billion last year alone. Does that make me a billionaire? Yes, it does.
Financial worries definitely have a way of getting you down, though. One way to combat monetary distress is to educate yourself about money. And it’s a good idea to get your input from someone who actually knows something about the subject, rather than from a comedian.
At the end of the day, though, there is no such thing as 100% security on this planet. In a world of chaos, anything can happen to destroy our financial castle. That’s why, in addition to exercising good stewardship with our finances, we need to trust the Lord with the welfare of our families.
“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and these things will be given to you as well.” Matt. 6:31 & 33 (NIV)
I don’t think that’s just some pretty verse Jesus spouted off to make us feel better. I think it’s a promise that you can take to the bank.
Um, but you probably ought to leave your ski mask at home.
© 2007 Charles Marshall. Charles Marshall is a nationally known Christian comedian and author. Visit his Web site at www.charlesmarshallcomedy.com or contact him via e-mail at charles@charlesmarshallcomedy.com.
